[Cue Rap Music clearly written by a white guy.]
COMMENTATOR: Here come The John Cena’s. They’ve been really impressive.
RING ANNOUNCER: The Following Contest is a Tag Team match and it is scheduled for one Fall.
[pause to allow fans to yell One Fall]
RA: Introducing first, already in the ring, John Cena and his partner John Cena. They are The John CEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNAAAAAASSSS!
CO: I really love how the John Cena’s styles blend together. It really adds to their team.
[Cue generic music you’d hear in Ring of Honor]
RA: And their opponents, Kevin Owens and Seth Rollins, THE MEN WITH HONOR!
CO: We’re in for a good one to start off the night here.
[Bell rings to start the match]
CO: Looks like we are going to be starting off with John Cena taking on Seth Rollins. This is bound to be good.
CO: Rollins and Cena lock up. Cena gets the better of him and is going after the leg of Rollins.
CO: Cena repeatedly kicking at the knee and leg of Seth Rollins.
CO: Cena has put the Ankle Lock on. Seth Rollins is screaming in pain.
CO: The referee is just standing in the corner. Why isn’t he checking on Seth Rollins here?
CO: Kevin Owens is reaching out to make the tag to his partner. Not like it matters since the referee is so far away and wouldn’t see a tap out anyways.
CO: Tag! Seth Rollins as been able to make the tag to Kevin Owens.
CO: Kevin Owens is really taking it to John Cena but he is finally able to get a tag in to his tag team partner, John Cena.
CO: Why is a man in a match if he needs a neck brace? Kevin Owens is calling Seth Rollins back in the ring.
[Owens and Rollins hit a double team powerbomb on John Cena]
CO: He has got to be dead after that.
CO: This has got to be academic at this point.
CO: Seth Rollins is holding off John Cena who appears out in the corner while Kevin Owens goes for the pin against John Cena.
CO: The referee is finally in place to get the count now. Where was he earlier?
CO: One. Two. Three.
CO: There you have it, the Men with Honor have beaten the John Cena’s.
[Kevin Owens asks for a microphone]
CO: Appears the winners have something to say.
KEVIN OWENS: I want real competition and not some part timer and his less intelligent clone who is already half dead.
SETH ROLLINS: We’ll be here next week, make sure a real team steps up.
CO: I wonder who will be willing to take the Men With Honor up on their challenge. It’s time to get ready for our next match which is going to be a World title match.
[Cue creepy music as smoke and red lights fill the arena]
CO: I love this guy but the Demon always brings chills to my spine.
RA: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL.
[repeat dramatic pause for the marks]
RA: and it is for the WORLD Heavyweight Championship.
RA: Introducing first, coming down the aisle, the Challenger. He hails from somewhere creepy and dark, he is the Finn Balor in Makeup!
CO: Hard to find good ring announcers these days apparently. The Demon is here to get that challenge in to finally bring his belt home.
[cue pretentious classical but fast beat music]
CO: Here comes the champion who has held the belt for a long time now. He hasn’t defended it much but we all know people only remember the days and not defences!
RA: And his opponent, he is the reigning and defending, undisputed, WORLD. HEAVY. WEIGHT. CHAMPION. He is… DANIEL BRYAN!
CO: I think this ring announcer has had some grease sent his way from Daniel Bryan backstage. Or he is just a mark. Who knows these days?
CO: Time for the obligatory photo op.
[Finn Balor and Daniel Bryan are taunting each other as the belt is presented by the Referee]
CO: They seem to be pretending to be looking into a mirror. It is like a bad 90s SNL skit.
[Both men walk around the ring keeping their eyes on each other but without ever touching]
CO: They’re feeling each other out to start the match. The referee appears to be a lot more awake for this match, thankfully.
[Finn and Bryan start hissing back and forth at each other]
CO: Sounds like Finn is hissing at Daniel Bryan who is just hissing back. This match is crazy against crazy.
[Daniel Bryan puts his hands up to challenge Finn]
CO: Both mean seem to want to do a test of strength. Going a little old school here tonight.
CO: Neither man able to get the advantage from the test of strength.
[Daniel Bryan pokes Finn in the eye without the ref seeing]
CO: Oh that’s dirty.
CO: The ref is checking on Finn.
[Finn low blows Bryan while Ref is checking on Finn’s eye]
[Finn Balor goes to the top to do his Coup de Grace]
CO: This could be over real quick!
[Bryan moves out of the way as Finn is on his way down]
CO: Bryan has got away.
[Bryan is able to get behind Finn and elbow him in the back of the head]
CO: Down goes Finn! That was a nasty looking elbow.
[Bryan applies a crossface submission on Finn]
CO: CROSSFACE! The Referee is right there checking to see if Finn wants to tap.
[Finn begins to hold back the arm of Daniel Bryan]
CO: Finn is breaking free!
[Both men struggle as Finn gets to his feet]
CO: Neither of these two great athletes are able to get the advantage over the other!
[Bryan goes for Finn’s arm but is pulled into a 1916]
CO: 1916! 1916! Finn is going to try and hit his finisher.
[Finn is able to hit the 1916 on Daniel Bryan while favouring his arm]
CO: COVER HIM! Finn hit the 1916 now just has to pin him.
[Finn slowly goes and covers Daniel Bryan]
CO: We could have a new champion right here!
[Finn Balor covers Daniel Bryan as the Referee counts]
CO: ONE. TWO. THREE. NEW CHAMPION!
[Finn Balor’s music plays as the ref goes to get the belt]
RA: Here is your winner, AND NEW WORLD Heavyweight Champion, FINN BALOR!
CO: Well, time for the main event after a great moment!
[cue legendary music as Ric Flair, Magnum TA and Bret Hart come down the asile]
CO: Here come The Golden Era!
RA: The following contest is scheduled for one fall!
RA: and it is a 6 man tag team match as well as our Main Event of the evening.
CO: This is a grudge match over the better generation of wrestlers.
RA: Coming down the aisle, team number 1. They are The Nature Boy Ric Flair, Magnum TA and Bret The Hitman Hart.
[Cue Music for Undisputed Era that is not copyright protected]
CO: That must mean it is time for some Boom!
RA: And their opponents, Bobby Fish, Kyle O’Reilly and Adam Cole. They are the Undisputed ERA!
CO: Undisputed Era, as their name implies, believe they are the best era of Wrestling which Ric Flair, Magnum TA and Bret Hart have taken exception to and hope to teach them a lesson tonight.
[referee checks that Ric Flair and team for foreign objects]
CO: He may be the dirtiest player in the game but I’d be more worried about Undisputed Era holding something.
[The bell rings to start the match with Ric Flair and Adam Cole in the ring]
CO: Never thought I’d see the day I’d get to see these two square off in a ring.
[Adam Cole is lead around the ring by Ric Flair]
CO: Both men being very cautious as they feel each other out.
[Both men end up tagging out at the same time to each’s delight]
CO: Looks like both men are dirtiest players in the game. Both had the same idea going into this.
[Kyle O’Reilly and Magnum TA enter the ring]
CO: This could be kick or it could be hard hitting. For the fans sake I am hoping it is not quick.
[Kyle comes off the ropes quickly but Magnum TA catches him]
CO: BELLY TO BELLY! This could be it!
[Kyle goes flying from the Belly to Belly Suplex and slides right out of the ring]
CO: The Undisputed Era are so lucky Kyle was able to get out of the ring.
[Magnum TA goes and gets Kyle but once he throws him back in the ring he runs to the corner to tag in Bobby Fish]
CO: Smart move by O’Reilly to get to his corner before Magnum could do anymore damage.
[Fish drop kicks Magnum as he enters the ring sending Magnum into his teams corner]
CO: Not where Fish wanted to send Magnum TA. TAG!
[Bret Hart tags himself into the match]
CO: Here comes the Hitman!
[Fish ducks a clothesline from Bret Hart and is able to jump on his back]
CO: He’s going for a sleeper! This is not a good spot to be in for the Hitman!
[Bret Hart breaks the hold by falling forward sending Bobby Fish head first into the turnbuckle]
CO: Smart Veteran move from Bret Hart!
[Adam Cole tags himself back in]
CO: Tag! Here comes Adam Cole!
[Cole goes after Bret’s neck as Bret is trying to crawl to his corner]
CO: Cole better not let Bret get a tag in here.
[Cole taunts Bret to make the tag not worried]
CO: Cole must really think he is the best as he wants to prove himself against Magnum TA.
[Magnum enters the ring and both men exchange blows]
CO: These two are fired up. Wow. Wait a minute!
[Cole low blows Magnum TA while Fish distracts the referee]
CO: He’s going to hit the Panama Sunrise!
[As Adam Cole is coming down for the Panama Sunrise Magnum counters by flipping Cole across the ring]
CO: Make that tag Magnum!
[Bret Hart tags himself back in]
CO: TAG! Here comes Bret Hart again!
[Bret Hart steps on the ankle of Adam Cole as Cole tries to crawl to his corner]
CO: This is not looking good for the Undisputed Era.
[Bret Hart puts on the sharpshooter submission]
CO: Is Cole going to tap out to the SharpShooter?
[Unable to reach the tag, Adam Cole taps out]
CO: Cole Tapped OUT! Cole Tapped OUT!
[Bret Hart lets go of the hold as Magnum TA and Ric Flair join him in the ring]
RA: Here are your winners, THE GOLDEN ERA!